I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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