I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
