I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You left your phone here
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