I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
