so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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