I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
