I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
