thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
