god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
