I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
