So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
