im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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