The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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