Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
