i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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