He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
