i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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