just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
