i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
