I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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