Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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