I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
