I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
