If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
