my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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