During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
