last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
