dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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