She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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