I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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