I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think my moral compass just broke
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