i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
