You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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