don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
