I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
