Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
