I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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