there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
