I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
