I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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