We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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