I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
