please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
