That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
