Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
