you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
