His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
