Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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