She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
