(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
